MOVING ON UP

to the kentucky side...

my blog and i have moved... if anyone is still reading... to lp at velocity. velocity is the weekly edition of the louisville courier-journal.

please come read, laugh, learn, love (hate)!

RIGHT TO STRIFE

until right to lifers campaign just as heavily against the death penalty and just as heavily for birth control i have no interest in what they have to say.

that's my first thought for the day. the second involves epic movie and pop culture but maybe i'll save that for tomorrow.

I AM WOMAN HEAR ME BORE

here's a line from 'catch and release', the new movie starring jennifer garner and, inexplicably, kevin smith.

'my girlfriends and i used to have this rule with each other. no sleeping with a guy until you know his mother's maiden name.'

now, how stupid is this? i'm assuming the implication here is that in order to get intimate with a man you must really know him to the point that he's giving up information that could lead to future identity theft. however, this doesn't seem like info that signifies getting to deeper levels with a member of the opposite sex.

it only seems like information that tells us this movie is a piece of shit.

the current state of chick-lit and chick flicks is one i find a bit sad and pathetic. when did we become lame creatures unable to evolve? when chick-lit first showed its shiny face it was almost empowering. here were real women with real problems and wasn't it great that we could all identify with their bumbling, their clumsiness, their problems with men and food and sex and alcohol!

fine. but here we are years later and apparently none the wiser as we're still fighting the same problems with men and food and sex and alcohol.

i really hope i've grown up a bit since i first read bridget jones' diary. i wish i could say the same for the genre.

however, if sarah silverman is the other side of this coin...

OUT OF THE FRYING PAN

last night i went to see ej dionne speak on 'religion, social justice and the welfare state'. i struggle with my views on welfare and religion (as separate issues) but dionne's lecture gave me hope. compassion is a virtue that can easily span money, religion, race, sexual orientation and gender. as he said regarding the person with a family whose factory job has moved overseas, 'there but for the grace of god go i.' he also spoke about the pendulum shifting back from the hard right and i certainly hope so. i've seen enough unchristian behavior from evangelicals (and dionne was always sure to make the distinction between white and african-american evangelicals, which i thought was interesting) to last me a lifetime. not saying it will stop but seeing it slide out of the forefront of mainstream media would be a welcome change.

i mentioned mary cheney yesterday. much has been made of her father's interview with wolf blitzer and cheney herself came out (no pun intended) with a statement about how her baby is a blessing from god and not a prop, she deserves privacy, etc etc. well, i'm sorry ms cheney but when you put yourself in the public arena, you put yourself out there for public scrutiny. given the president's policies towards gays and lesbians and your subsequent decision to work as the head of your father's re-election operation, is it not a bit hypocritical to cry foul now that you want to start a family? ok, a lot hypocritical.

however, this brings me to the larger issue of why is this news at all? i'm not sure what kind of parents cheney and her partner will be but it irks me to no end that same-sex parenting is looked down upon when so so many heterosexual people fuck it up but good.

MOLLY IVINS RIP

one of my favorite political writers, molly ivins, passed away yesterday. ivins spoke truth to power with humor and bite.

unfortunately, part of ivins passing brings me back to the internet and how it emboldens total assholes to write things i bet you'll never hear them say.

some examples:

'i'm glad she is dead. that "thing" did nothing but spew the same old worn out left wing slogans.'

'the world is now a better place. oh when will cancer take care of hillary?!?!'

'a sad case -- she couldn't help being ugly and stupid, but she could have kept her mouth shut and her fingers off the keyboard. good riddance.'

'you see molly, when you are so full of hate, the cheap way you attacked the president, no wonder you got cancer. the world is a better place without this vile witch!'

all i have to say is there's a cancer that's spreading and it has nothing to do with the one that took ivins' life.

civility and manners are going the way of the dinosaur. this is one of the many reasons why i have no interest in having children.

and speaking of children, notes on mary cheney's baby tomorrow.

photo of molly ivins by melanie west

ONE YEAR AND COUNTING DOWN

so dear readers of which there are probably very few left... it was one year ago today that i started this little diary of mine as a possibly bad joke. sometimes it was mildly amusing. sometimes boring. for long stretches nothing. it was hard to keep up with my grishams and my yankee candles and still bring entertainment to the masses.

now that i'm old and married it's harder and harder to be someone else. i have jon bon jovi's voice in my ear and he's telling me that we've got to hold on to what we've got. it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. well, is that entirely true? i suspect the gap between making it and not making it is rather large.

it's been a long year of teen fiction and chick lit and i'm beginning to wonder about the other members of my gender. living in kentucky has also made me question members of the opposite sex, as well. actually, living anywhere makes me question everything.

are we all just living tiny lives of quiet desperation? i hope not. is the internet bringing us together or splitting us apart? why do people post horrible rude junk on message boards - things they'd never say in person? probably because they know they'd get their asses kicked if they said them in public. can we develop an internet ass kicking? obviously, the web allows us to be more free in our expression. the jury's still out, i think, on whether, like martha says, that's a good thing.

yankee candle that goes best with anniversaries and self-absorption: perennial narcissus

I'M THE DECISION MAKER

A MONTH BY THE LAKE

i'm a terrible blogger. i admit it. i'm not proud, no. but i had a lot of tv to keep up with when the fall season started and, you know, i keep wondering about hiro and eden and why did claire have to be a cheerleader? it does seem true, though, that in cyberspace only a few people can hear you scream.

STARING AT THE BEARS

wedded bliss seems so long ago. could it be just a few weeks prior to this that i was standing on the balcony of a suite at a luxury resort watching the sun rise over the atlantic? how does one go from that to cubicleness in mere days? suddenly i am surrounded by people and i can feel their germs infecting me. let the fever come, people. i am not afraid.

yankee candle that goes best with returning to work: dogbertwood

AMERICANS REALLY ARE STUPID!

'i thought when it was all said and done the american people would understand the importance of taxes and the importance to security. the people have spoken and now it's time for us to move on.'

president bush on yesterday's election. so he's basically saying those who voted the dems into office are too stupid to understand taxes and security for our nation.

are we going to hear this played 1,000,000 times like we heard kerry's botched joke?

talk about true contempt for the citizens of the country he 'leads'.

ADRIENNE SHELLY

rest in peace, a.s. you deserved better.

IT STILL SMELLS LIKE SULPHUR HERE

apologies for the absence but i was here. where is here?

DING DONG THE CREEP IS DEAD

so i know i didn't do a thing for last week but it was boring. they all made some crappy outfits (except michael and sort of jeffrey who actually
won.) angela and her stupid rosettes were finally out.

this week i'm grumpy so i probably sound meaner than usual. if that's possible.

the idea was make an outfit for yourself as a jetsetter. vincent's horrible schlumpfy piece of shit was a disgrace. WHY WON'T THEY DUMP HIS ASS?

kayne looked like elvis. jeffrey looked pretty good but he had something very bizarre going on in the crotch area. michael made totally rad seersucker hip hop pants. he looked great.

as jetsetters they were flown to france where they met guest judge catherine malandrino, some snooty french designer who has shitty music on her website.

this week's challenge: create a gown that incorporates couture elements like hand-sewn hems, embroidery or beading in two days.

everyone's excited to be in paris. jeffrey is ecstatic angela's gone. they walk by the louvre. blah blah blah. everyone's inspired. etc etc etc.

now they're off to reine to buy fabric. are all fabric stores one word/one syllable?

jesus, vincent said doing couture turns him on. does he really think we care about what turns him on? no, we are repulsed.

jeffrey continues to be a total dick. perhaps this is because he doesn't have one? i mean, you should have seen the crotch of those pants. trés bizarre. oh god, they just showed him putting his shirt on. i didn't need to see that.

kayne has some pageant vibe going (of course.) tim hates it, i don't. i think it's actually quite pretty.

jeffrey's is loud and gross, just like him.

vincent's dress looks like some hideous 70s curtains.

michael and laura are having trouble. laura's looks like a freaking pierrot. uli didn't use prints (quelle surprise!) but the shape of her dress looks like everything else she's done. i won't even go into michael's ruching disaster. disappointing to say the least.

now they're off to some party on the seine. luncheon of the boating party 2006.

somone threw an egg at them. those wacky french!!!

these french models are much prettier than their new york counterparts.

vincent is drooling on catherine m. vo-mit.

and it's back to ny, the runway and the evil eye of nina garcia.

i guess i'm glad i don't envision a career in fashion. that said, i would probably fit right in bec these are some bitchy cows.

wow. richard tyler is the guest judge in ny. i haven't seen him in ages. he doesn't look that well.

no sense in rehashing the gowns. i think laura's is the worst. michael or jeffrey are a close second.

they're all oohing and ahhing over uli.

'i think you're middle name's gotta be too much' - m kors to kayne. aww.

nina says jeffrey took the most creative chance. yeah, but it looks like a scotsman on acid threw up on her! gag. these judges are on crack. didn't i say that last week? every week. sigh.

they're bagging on vincent. do i dare to dream?

jeffrey won. whatever. at least he wasn't a complete jerk about it like last week.

michael, kayne and uli are in...

it's down to norman bates and cruella de vil.

YES!!!!!!!!!!! vincent is gone!!!!!

halle-fucking-lujah.

amen.

PROJECT MUM'S DAY

welcome to week two of my project runway slagging. and we're off.

jeffrey is bummed elisha cuthbert is gone. told you he wanted to fuck her.

michael is psyched to be the first double winner. of course.

this week's challenge - dress another contestant's mother! geez.

oh my god! cruella de vil just started crying. i bet her mother was really mean to her.

there are a couple sisters. robert and vincent. vincent probably killed his mother. he has a full on norman bates vibe now that i think about it.

so... the giant buttons out of the bag...

michael: robert's sister. she's very pretty.

laura: jeff's mother "just to torture jeff."

vincent: uli's mom. poor woman. but she's a german - she's probably tough. i hope she eats him alive.

angela: laura's mom

kayne: michael's mother

uli: kayne's mom

robert: vincent's sister

jeffrey: angela's mother. 'i ended up with angela's mom because i think god got drunk today.'

so now they're off to some hoity toity party at tavern on the green with michael kors and HIS mother. michael kors' mother looks just like... michael kors.

i like this idea of using family to humanize them. kayne's mother brought kayne as a fat kid pictures of him. very cute.

'good for you, you shed a dress size and a half.'
-robert on kayne

michael as a kid - so adorable

teenage jeffrey - HEELARIOUS! 'jeffrey's been through a lot. he's a recovering alcholic. i'm so proud of him.' and his mother chokes up. i wonder if she'll be choking when she sees what an asshole her son is.

laura announces she's pregnant with child number 6. and her mother is shocked. and her husband doesn't know yet. laura's mom looks like a less uptight version. same hair just slightly sloppier.

'five, six, seven. i'll just throw it on the pile with the other ones.'
- angela on having a whole litter

they have 30 minutes for sketching. make it work!

laura's mother wants some sort of audrey hepburn thing. errr. ok. a slightly blousy middle age woman does not translate to audrey hepburn but that's just me. perhaps we all have an inner audrey. i know that i often dream of being a wistful prostitute.

jeffrey's mother's favorite color is sea foam green. ha!

angela's mother - re jeffrey - 'we ARE the challenge!'

angela's mother actually seems nice. all the mothers do. what went wrong? but uh oh. she doesn't like the dress. 'i'm going to make the dress i'm going to make. i hope you like it. if you don't like it there's not a thing i can do about it. i hope the judges like it.'

now he's telling her she's insecure. 'i don't get along with her daughter. why should i get along with her?' she's upset and insulted. and crying. and now angela's crying. oy.

jeffrey's mom is trying to console her. christ - now HIS mother is crying. now jeffrey's out with some bs about how his life is on the line with this show. oy again.

now i sort of question project runway bringing peoples' mothers into a pressure cooker situation like this. that said, i guess they should see the little satans they have spawned.

'i'm gonna walk the catwalk like the models do and i'm gonna embarrass kayne.' - kayne's mom

so i've actually voted in that stupid poll they do every week. 'who's right? jeffrey or angela's mom?' and i voted for jeffrey, believe it or not. maybe i'll win the ipod.

laura's up first with jeffrey's mother. it's her typical high waisted conservative shit. but it doesn't fit right and looks a bit sackish.

uli with kayne's mother. all flowy but not bad. kayne's mom is working it.

vincent with uli's mom. she doesn't look too bad. damnit. vincent lives another day. the judges all love it. of course.

kayne with michael's mom. she isn't smiling and she looks like a satiny pumpkin. why on earth would he put her in cropped pants? jesus. michael wants her to look like a ho and show some more skin.

angela with laura's mom. some sort of fringy black thing. it's not completely dreadful. fuck. once again the evildoers live. ooh - the judges aren't into it calling the frock stevie nicks not audrey hepburn.

robert with vincent's sister. she looks miserable and also looks like a pumpkin. they're ripping him to shreds. again.

michael with robert's sister. boy he lucked out. she is thin and attractive. he made a really cute shirtdress. reversible to go day to night. he rules.

jeffrey with angela's mom, of course. she's actually smiling. it's not bad, i guess. bit weird, though. some sort of black flowing thing with a collar. angela's mom and angela are both trashing jeffrey now.

'it looks like comme des garçons goes to the amish country.'
-michael kors on jeffrey's dress (if you can call it that.)

real tossup as to who's going to win - uli or michael, i think. but he had immunity. holy fuck, vincent's going to win, isn't he?

oh god. he did. siiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhh.

it's down to robert and jeffrey...

ohhh, robert's out. i'm sad. this show sucks.

WE ARE THE GOON SQUAD AND WE'RE COMING TO TOWN

ok, i know this is probably lame but for the next few weeks i'm going to post my project runway commentary that i'm sending the bun while he's on tour in europe doing bandy things. why be lame? you ask. i'm, err, painting the house, starting a business, planning a wedding and going to europe in three weeks so that's my excuse.

for those of you who don't watch, project runway is a fab show on bravo featuring wannabe designers clawing each other's eyes out and making occasionally interesting garb for the chance to show at olympus fashion week in new york and get $$ to start a line.

this week's challenge... create something out of recycling and... poster paint, apparently.

they've taken everyone to a recycling center and given them 30 minutes to take whatever they want then to an art supply center for 15 minutes.

the boys and girls are getting mean. everyone's bagging hard on laura (cruella de vil, the bitchy redhead.) hrm - she's trying to hip hop dance. not attractive. i can't believe this woman has five kids.

kayne: her dress is cute.
robert: it looks like a straitjacket.
kayne: it looks like she's sewing for herself, again. she kissed me on the cheek today.
robert: i know, i was like you're going to get a rash, you better watch it.

jeffrey: i just pray to god the judges send her to the guillotine. another highwaisted skirt. fuck.

i wonder if angela will be able to make rosettes out of cardboard and plastic bottles. oh wait, she 'loves loves loves patchwork' so she's 'going back to what she knows.'

i don't own the future, i don't go there. i just let it come. - crazy vincent
he's not mentally stable. he's weird. - bitchy laura on vincent

elisha cuthbert's having doubts. (real name: alison)

there's some serious ugly in this room right now. - laura

i love the idea of recycling. i recycle. plastics. papers. ex-boyfriends. - robert

everyone is bagging on kayne's dress but i kind of like it. he painted this giant flower on paper and made this evening gown. tim says, 'it looks like amateur hour.'

jeffrey thinks he's going to win. again. as if.

vincent's dress still looks like recycling. hideous.

laura: i just worry about your choices sometimes.
kayne: well, honey, i worry about your character and that's worse.

heidi has some horrible gigantic hair today.

it's runway time!

uli's dress is kind of cool. paper and mylar, it looks like.

angela's is hideous. it looks like tin foil. like something out of a 50s space movie. which might be cool but it's not.

vincent's is bizarre but not as hideous as i was expecting.

robert's is super cute. thank god because he has been sucking lately and i really like him even if he does design for barbie.

jeffrey's actually does look great.

laura's is pretty and the back says 'for nuts only' something she folded together. it originally said 'for peanuts only' as it's a peanut sack. this is fitting as i think she is a nutter, as well, and i fully expect some fangs to come out and we'll all see her suck the blood of one of her fellow contestants.

michael kors said elisha cuthbert's dress looks like a 'paper brioche.' ha!

i see that come out and it turns me on. that's what i like. - vincent.
god he is so crazy. i wish he would go away. he gives me the creeps.

hmm the way they're talking maybe michael is in the running (i thought it would be jeffrey or laura.) i love him. he is my new fave. the black dude from atlanta. his pam grier outfit is the best thing so far this season.

and - the winner is michael!! yay! jeffrey looks pissed and said that michael won for clothes that are the equivalent of diabetic food.' what an asshole.

kayne stayed in by the skin of his teeth and once again vincent is in the bottom two. would they just dump him already?

now it's time for heidi's weird voice over. 'there's a fine line between innovation and insanity.'

NO FUCKING WAY. they dumped elisha cuthbert and kept vincent??!! she looks crushed. laura's boob is like out of her dress as she's attacking v. i feel like i'm watching a horror film.

you can see these designs at project runway at bravotv.com

WORLD OF WIZARDS

it's so easy to be lulled into thinking no one cares about your dumb blog when only ten people read it. i wonder if i even have ten readers, anymore. ten is the loneliest number that you'll ever do, actually. they say it's one but it's easier to feel alienated in a crowd, i say.

but i don't want to be a bummer - not after i've been gone for so long! and i haven't really been gone. ok, well, i did tour manage that australian band for a week but other than that i've been here staring at the dog for days on end.

that is, until i went to chicago and experienced the joy of... wizard world.

now i have never been to a comic convention. i don't know that i will ever go again. but seeing black thor, skinny spiderman, and fat superman... there are dorks of all sizes, ladies and gents. i'm glad to know that dork does not discriminate. i sort of thought it was limited to pale, skinny white boys but alas... that's just not true!

to see more of what i saw: dungeons AND dragons

yankee candle that goes best with geeks dressed as storm troopers: may the gorse be with you

IT'S GETTING HOT IN HERE...

but i will keep my clothes on, thanks, if it's all the same to you.

yankee candle that goes best with the misery of 108 degree heat index: spill the whine

WAS I GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN?

i spend my days watching the grass not grow but get pummeled and worn while dreams die and hope hangs on for another day.

nice to see murray beat roddick. not so nice to see nadal beat agassi even though i like the little spanish cutie patootie.

my brain oozes out of my head as the tournament lurches on into its second week.

it's summer. going outside is NOT an option!

YOU CAN'T ENTER WITH A JACKET

you can't enter with an attaché case, you can't even carry a fountain pen.

the only thing you can take with you is a graphite pencil and a notepad.

what is this place?

HOME ON THE RANGE

new york, new york what a wonderful town. the bronx is up and the battery's down.

my first day in new york i really wondered if i'd fallen out of love with the city. all those people, all that noise. i've become soft in my old age.

but then i fell in step and looked up, looked down, there's a crazy world outside, i'm not about to lose my pride...

so while i'm stealing cheesy yes lyrics, admiring the fact that it's a whole week of sunshine at home, looking forward to boston next week and boring you to tears...

here's something good to watch. puddinbun's latest achievement.

I'M SICK AND THE DOG IS RESTLESS

and cuter...

than me.

A SAFETY IS WORTH TWO POINTS

at first i thought post secret was amazing.

i still do... in some ways... however, i find much of the self-absorption a bit disturbing. but then again, what is blogging but just another expression of ME ME ME.

but people cannot save each other... we must all save ourselves.

LET THIS BE THE END

okay, i admit that here on 'that could have been me not me' (thank you, david cross) i shy away from reality. it's so mundane. so trivial.

but i must rant for a moment about something real. and i can't believe i'm even posting this but FOR GOD'S SAKE COULD SOMEONE PLEASE REMOVE PARIS HILTON FROM THIS PLANET?

this ubiquitous vapid pathetic excuse for a human being has sullied pop culture quite enough. recently, she was caught on tape laughing away while friend, and grandson of late billionaire marvin, brandon davis trashed lindsay lohan in the most puerile disgusting ridiculous manner. i would print a quote but my mother reads this. i will say one word, though, 'firecrotch'. from what i've read mr davis' major accomplishment in life seems to be an arrest for drunk driving. oh, and screwing mischa barton.

when will we stop worshipping these hideous mean-spirited assholes who work for nothing, are given everything and give nothing back but staggering proof that the world is going to hell in a handbasket?

paris makes me embarrassed to be a female. no wonder so many men think so little of women.

EYE TO EYE, MAINTAIN THE ILLUSION

so, like, today i totally went to the messageboard of my most favorite band to find out if the singer is going out with anyone because i just KNOW if he's not he will most definitely wanna go out with me!!! i mean, that's the way it works, right? RIGHT! he is MINE!

i mean, i know that when he sees me in the audience with my 'i heart alexei' t-shirt on he is going to look me right in the eye and it will be love at first sight! how could he resist? i mean, i am his number one fan and stuff! i can just see it... after the show he will send his tour manager out into the audience to single me and only me out and he will, like, lead me to the backstage area where alexei will fall to his one knee and propose.

because that is the way it happens when you express your feelings for the lead singer of your favorite band on your favorite band's message board. TRUE LOVE, PEOPLE!!!

yankee candle that goes best with not being 12 anymore: password to larkspur lane

YOU'RE OUT ON A LIMB, YOU'RE SINKING TO SWIM

when you were just a young girl and still in school
how come you never learned the golden rule
don't talk to strange men, don't be a fool
i'm hearing stories, i dont think that's cool

testify, rick springfield!

i do wonder, though. what happens when we close ourselves off to the world and the randomness of strangers? are strangers really friends we haven't met, or as i suspect, further proof of the pestilence that is humanity? how do we let ourselves be touched by unique experiences while retaining a wariness that i think is our god given right. well, i would think that if i believed in god.

maybe that's my problem. i'm a godless heathen.

love your brother, love one another. i'm sure i heard that in a song somewhere.

yeah. a bad one.

CATCH THE SUN BEFORE IT'S GONE

you told me we'd live in the shadows
you told me to hide from the light
and the last thing you said keeps running through my head
just don't take my car out tonight
--- the hooters

listening to this song reminds me of the superfun time i had shopping in chicago. my friend took me to oprah's bra store where they could not fit me because i'd had too many implants. why is life like that!!! i'm writing to oprah. she is going to pay!

speaking of oprah, i really wish she would just save the fucking world already. her legends ball is on tonight. i'm so totally going to watch!!

i bought some shirts at h&m and i'm running out of money.

yankee candle that goes best with fiscal irresponsibility: in hollyhock

IF YOU SAID JUMP IN THE RIVER I WOULD

how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

how many days does it take to get over a man?

how many times did i really feel nothing but said i meant everything?

how many barks does it take to say i'm sorry?

how many bowls of cereal does it take to feel full?

i want some answers, damnit.

and i want them now.

SHE WAITS PATIENTLY

i have been gone so long i've forgotten who i am!

once a dedicated writer whose ideals and yankee candle fetish ran rampant throughout the blogosphere as i shot my gun, blazed my trail, spat out my bullets of wit and yet the laughter was quiet, muted, my reign not very rainy - bit more like drizzle, you see...

but i am not here to feed the masses, more the misses, more myself. i eat spicy popcorn and watch bad movies and wait with baited breath to see what will become of luke and lorelai.

and who would have ever thought that killing an arab would mean something so different?

don't cry for me, l'étranger. the truth is i never left you.

WHAT IS A HOLLABACK GIRL, ANYWAY?

and do i care? i mean, i hate gwen stefani so i really shouldn't but for some reason it's 4 am and the thought just crossed my mind.

this is what happens when you eat jello pudding pops. bill cosby didn't warn us about these kinds of consequences!

i almost said 'didn't warn us about this shit...' 'shiznit?' but that is something else i hate - whenever anyone who is not black uses hip hop slang. in fact, i am not even sure i'm so fond of black people using hip hop slang.

whatever happened to the english language, people??!!! and spelling. oh, don't get me started on the lack of skillz i see in the young people today. it makes me want to barf.

CORA SLEEPS

and the world feels peaceful. who knew that getting a dog would make life better? oh you did, you say? well, then...

so the world inside these walls is a nicer place today but what about the world outside? a ridiculous war still wages and america two-steps ever closer to a theocracy. some even rumble about a fascist state.

vote democratic, live in a democracy! you heard it here first. now to get those bumper stickers made...

MY ROBOTS DON'T KILL PEOPLE

'you are living proof that it's better to be lucky than smart.'

i wish people would call me 'spoon.' maybe i will change my name to princess spoon. from the kingdom of fork you. knife night.

i'm not hungry anymore but i'm busy and sometimes crazy and occasionally bummed that it's not november and i am too shy to hope for some passing genius in the midterm elections.

i'm preparing for my new job - teaching empathy to special needs kids. it's going to be tough. makes me long for the pandas.

still no word from the yankee candle people. my desire for a true ambassadorship remains keen but the fact that they continue to ignore this blog does gall me a bit. oh yes. it galls my bladder.

RIDE THE WAVE, DOGGIE

i am with dog and i would like to say that explains my absence but really i'm just a lazy git and she is as pure as the cold driven snow.

i'm watching miss congeniality 2 for the 10th time and making sure cora behaves herself not that this is hard because she doesn't actually do anything. since she came home with us she has slept, slept, slept and slept. fascinating. welcome to mommyhood!

life is a neverending series of delights and sandra bullock IS your friend!

yankee candle that goes best with bad movies and cute beagos: canine's gate

BUFFALO WINGS AND FROG LEGS

i'm eating vegetarian buffalo wings and waiting for sharon stone to spout a bunch of wacky nonsense on the daily show. she's so perky, that shazza. i don't know how she does it being so old and all. i didn't know people as old as her did nookie type things but apparently so seeing as there's some piece of poo out there called 'basic instinct 2.' my basic instinct is to stay home and spare myself. i've seen the goods and they weren't actually that good.

but i will watch it when it comes to hbo. i'm that weak.

yankee candle that goes best with wearing no underpants:
snickers sans knickers

THERE WERE LIGHTS. AND I TRIPPED THEM. FANTASTIC!

i have returned home, dear readers! aren't you excited!

i spent a week in cali-forn-i-a or californication (although i don't like the rhcp anymore) or hell. oh the stores, the bores, the chores! some friends threw me what is called a 'bridal shower' although i don't really understand that term because there was no showering involved. at least not to my knowledge.

oh - you say 'bridal shower???' yes, i know it comes as some surprise but puddinbun and i are actually getting hitched. yes, he popped the 'question.' he said, 'sweetietums' (because i am like candy AND antacid) 'i love you. will you do me the honor of becoming my ball and chain?' and well.. who could say no to that! certainly not me!

so anyways... the shower was grand and i got the requisite victoria's secret gift card which i shall spend on something other than lingerie because the thought of putting on anything with lace gives me a rash.

time to whip out your 'goin' to the chapel' yankee candles and light one in honor of yours truly!

I LOVE LA

but i hate randy newman.

IF BY CHANCE YOU HEARD IT FOR YOURSELF

so tomorrow i make my pilgrimmage to the city of angels to worship at the feet of the almighty silicone implant, the fearsome botox king, the collagen queen. my stout figure will wend its way through the streets that shun a size 12, mock yankee candles, and turn a blind eye to those who do not represent the utmost in laid back cool that can only be purchased for $$$$ on robertson blvd. the upper echelon understand that beverly hills is gauche, darling, and lisa kline is where it's at!

i quote my pal jez williams when i say, 'words they mean nothing so you can't stop me.'

yankee candle that goes best with a week's vacation: shores of tripoli

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF?

my friend elektra wants me to fall in love with mark kozelek but i just can't. i do, however, love this red house painters song. i'm also fond of his cars cover. better than the original, if you ask me, but you didn't.

what if death and taxes were NOT certainties in life? then what would we have? utter chaos, i suspect. do you really think vampires are happy? i would rather time travel than live forever.

what about you?

yankee candle that goes best with eternity: infinite windflower

I DON'T LIKE GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS

now this might sound strange but i'm watching this new 'sitcom' called 'teachers' and it's not very 'funny' and this was a 'line' from the last 'scene'.

i would ruminate on things not well made but this is neither the time nor the place because what i'm really here to discuss with you tonight is this great new discovery i made today. it's called a pizza muffin passionate burrito and it is available at your local taco bell or del taco or enchilada express or starbucks.

also there's this new internet technology that makes it possible to sell your house online so i have to get on that.

yankee candle that goes best with law and order svu: ludacris lilies

PAMPERS AND TEARS

he doesn't like family court. it smells of hatred and tug of war. the ropes are frayed and they're swinging but no one's winning.

how could you use a robbie williams reference to discuss difficult child custody battles, he asked me angrily. but robbie is life, i told him. take that, i whispered.

puddinbun's video game sways softly in the other room. i was outside taking pictures of the inside of my head.

yankee candle that goes best with fractured moments: goldilocks and the thread bears

WHERE YOU GOIN' WITH THAT UB40 IN YOUR HAND?

i've failed you all. i've failed myself. i was so good and disciplined and now i have sunk into the abyss of unemployment, animal crossing and the l word. however, hark the herald lesbians sing as the final installment of season 3 aired last night and now i am finally free of bette, tina, kit and horrible jenny for another 9 mos. life is good. now i can concentrate on what REALLY matters... and that is... turnips. turnip prices are down today but boy howdy, i am hoping...

yankee candle that goes best with vegetation obsession: it seems to me that you live your life like a cropshare in the wind.

CONFUCIUS SAY CONFUSION GOOD!

i've had close personal friends tell me they are perplexed by my little blog here. they wonder how it is i make it from christmas island to reykjavik, iceland every sunday for church. they wonder if i'm real.

sometimes it is good to wonder.

YOU'RE BACK, BACK FOR MORE...

it's all over... for this slightly known soldier. oh mixing the doors and ratt and bastardizing jim morrison. good times. so my stay in austin is nearly done and it's back to the wilds of christmas island for me! back to my home where the bunnies rule with an iron fist and voting for shrubbery is not allowed. we may be a dictatorship but who knew there would come a day where you would have to enforce a liberal society? where you would have to force people to be free thinkers. but as they said in team america, 'freedom isn't free.' but i say - at least it's freedom even if it costs you yours. it's a paradox wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a twinkie. and you know what they say about twinkies... yummm...

AM A LIVING THING

possibly. still alive...

puddinbun is being a pain in the booty today.

HIGH NOON APPROACHES

everyday, it's a gettin' closer,
going faster than a
roller coaster,
love like yours will surely come my way.

everyday, it's a gettin' faster,
everyone says go ahead and
ask her,
love like yours will surely come my way

DON'T FORGET ME WHEN I'M GONE

my heart would break... ahhh... good old glass tiger. so, my friends, romans and countrymen, i shall be off fighting the culture war for the next 10 days and may not be able to write too many reports from the field. i shall try because i think it is 'important' for you to know what's going on out there! but as 1500 bands descend upon me i fear that in the trenches may not be the greatest place to pontificate about my favorite things in the world: puddinbun and yankee candles.

and on that note...

yankee candle that goes best with music for the masses: sympathy for the devil

YOU EVEN CHARMED THE MURDERERS

the book is burned. the baby's on the stove but not in the oven. i just heard that henry rollins is the host of the henry rollins show. i don't understand why. i think merv griffin should host the henry rollins show. it would probably be better. not that i've ever seen it. i'm only guessing. i'm sad that the gay man who loved the bears got eaten by them. this is not how life is supposed to be! the bears are supposed to love you back and love you forever.

i feel queasy but i must talk to hundreds of people next week. makes perfect sense.

yankee candle that goes best with human avoidance:

WORLDS WITHOUT END

sometimes i wonder about the decisions i make... take today for example: i'm running about on the way to my hair appointment when i get a real hankerin' for one of those caramel coffee blended whatseewhosits they got these days. well, i had to drive a bit out of the way to obtain one of these tasty caffeinated treats, though it was well worth it. but something was eating away at me about my actions... caramel and whip cream destroying my stomach lining? no, this was far more real a threat. there were many blended drink choices that awaited me at the coffee shop. what if i had chosen vanilla - or hell, even white chocolate mocha? how different the journey of my day would have become. quite so! and then i got to thinking about all those possibilities... beyond just my drink choice. man, the list was growing: that red light i totally blew through, eggs and bacon instead of oatmeal, nodding to my retiree neighbor this morning when i usually wave. where would and who would i be this moment had i just done things a little differently? and this is where things turn really serious inside my noggin... how many of me are out there? a different ME for every tiny split second decision, action or inaction, skim or 2% milk. yeah, i know, alternate universes!! alternate ME'S!!! its tough taking it all in at once, i've had the two previous hours to deal with this while i wait for my laundry and i'm still struggling. i'm sure there are a lot of you out there thinking, man - the possibilities! you're thinking "hey waiter, this life sucks, bring me another" and you could just reach out and peruse your closest alternate universe and find an alternate you with everything going for him. sure sounds easy to me, but hey, every ray of light has a dark tunnel at its backside. so i'm thinking, damn, i bet there are some mean ME'S out there... 'cos i've had a bad thought or two in my day. well, what if one of those evil dudes thought up this whole scenario before me? and he's out there, working together with other baddie-type me's like the ultimate villain team up, waiting to drop a dead mouse in my frosted flakes... or worse?! what do i do though - not make a decision again? give up blended coffee drinks? set mouse traps in my lazy susan? there's no solution. even inaction in itself is a decision made and doesn't keep you or me from our responsibilities to the infinite creation of alternate us's.

i hurt my brain real hard for you dear readers... and i leave the answers, if there are any, to you. i'm just an ass like that.

GAH!

oops. well - it is still sort of monday night. isn't it? rebecca gayheart is pretending to be normal on 'medium' and it's late and i still haven't read my chapter for the day in the sequel to 'the devil wears prada.' it's called 'and god wears tom ford.' quite a read! i think she's working on a trilogy and the final instalment is 'mohammed wears marc jacobs.' either that or 'buddha wears tommy hilfiger.' but possibly not because buddha is asian and they say that tommy believes asians shouldn't wear his clothes because they don't look good in them. i've heard that is an 'urban legend' but i really want to believe it because i enjoy boycotting ugly clothes.

i don't know how that writer does it, coming up with clever pairings of religious icons and fashion designers. she is super talented!

yankee candle that goes best with a missed day of blogging: miss you mulch yeah i really miss you mulch

I LOVE A PARADE

once again hollywood proved how deep it is by voting into the annals of best picture history a small film called 'crash'. from what i understand the movie weaves a rich tapestry of many important themes that influence our culture today. the result of this will be furthering the careers of three actors whose stars were about to fall right out of the sky. so breathe a sigh of relief sandra bullock, ryan phillipe and matt dillon. this should also help ludacris... but speaking of rp... his wife reese witherspoon won for best actress and this means a GREAT night for the cutest family in tinseltown! does this mean they might actually make legally blonde 3?!! one can only hope!

and a huge f. you to abc and the producers of the show for cutting off in mid-speech both of crash's award winners. you. suck. i hope if you ever win an emmy for anything they let you speak for two seconds and then cue some shitty music.

but of course the best part of the evening was when - well it wasn't the best part because when that south african guy won - and when it's hard out there for a pimp won - those were the best parts - but- uh - hurrah for ang lee! go asians!

yankee candle that goes with that fake happy face the nominees have to make when they don't win: they don't call us actors for nut 'n honey.

and ps. best after show moment: when serena williams, being interviewed on e!, said she was glad phillip semen hoffmor won for best actor.

me, too, serena. me, too.

OK GOD LEMME HAVE IT!

remember that scene in 'real genius' when kent thinks god is speaking to him and goes to his professor's house and gets exposed to a laser from space and ends up in floating out onto the street on a wave of popcorn? wha? no, really? i'm the only person? you guys are miss. ing. out.

so yeah. my head is full of business and my bod is not made of sin. i am just.

yankee candle that goes best with being distincly uninteresting on a saturday night: milk and toast