SHUT HAPPENS

people make me tired.

MIDNIGHT APPROACHES...

gotta get my post on. but, fellow truthy truthsters, someone else is occupying my time lately. his name is booker and he is the checkpoint guard to bunville. he is an integral part of my life as are pango, eloise, wart jr, jeremiah, roald and... and... i just have so many new friends! and they are 'REAL'! so... you understand, don't you, how i might not have as much time for you guys now? i have to fish and pay a mortgage and catch bugs and water flowers. I AM BUSY! sigh...

yankee candle that goes best with fishpuns: carpet diem

SOME DAYS ARE QUIETER THAN OTHERS...

DENNIS MILLER ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE

so let me be the 1,000,000th person to use this funny little kitty and his po'ed buddy as a photo on a blog. but my blog is MEANINGFUL. therefore the kitty is 'OKAY.' you know, i have to confess, it really angers me that i have to put the period inside the quotes. i'm dying to put it on the outside where it can feel meaningful and honest. shall we talk about honesty? no? ok. perhaps you'd like a puddinbun update. tonight p-bun is at what is known in america as a 'chili cook-off'. (damnit- i am putting that period WHEREVER I WANT YOU HEAR ME?!) this is where people cook chili and then others eat it and decide if it is good or not. he has been gone a long time so there must be a lot of chili at this place. and me? i'm just sitting here watching dennis miller out-obscure himself and chris rock talk about how strippers 'have to do it'. ho... hummm... bill maher, anyone?

yankee candle that goes best with yet another weekend: smoke machines and laser rays

THIS FIRST TURN IS GONNA TELL THE WHOLE STORY

blah blah blah something pithy... etc etc - insert sad comment about lance armstrong and sheryl crow break up here. nevermind that it's old news. yeah yeah. mmhmm - those figure skaters sure pick some crappy music, why do they do it? they all have ipods - they must be listening to something and surely it can't be this junk. tears falling - olympics almost over. can't wait to get life back. oh wait... meant to be perky yankee candleist. better than yankee atheist? i don't know... facade slipping... too late for buster and kit... third week anniversary... bon anniversaire a moi.

yankee candle that goes best with rambling psychosis: insane in the mandrake

ICE IS NICE!

oh how right val kilmer was... tonight shizuka arakawa made skating history as japan's first ladies champion. and she did it in an ugly dress! what is with these outfits, anyways? i should have complained about it after the men's free skate but now that i've seen the entire thing... whoo... my favorite part is the flesh colored nylon they use to indicate 'skin'. i saw a lot of that this year. i blame paris hilton, that bitch. all the boys and girls want to be her and no one really wants to do her cuz she been done to do death. oh i did not just say that! i didn't! it's late, honeys. i must away before i let slip anything else i will someday regret.

yankee candle that goes best with slander: prickly despair

ONE IQ POINT AWAY FROM LIFE AND TRUTH

we listened to disco and made up dances to perform for our parents. we listened to rush and yes and pretended to be intelligent. mother wouldn't let us listen to kiss. no satan in our household, no way! satan might exist, i think, but he is definitely not masquerading as kiss. at 15 i found jim morrison and pretended he was my boyfriend. i made 'lizard king' yankee candle labels with a hand drawn gecko on them and pasted them on various scents. sometimes i miss 15, miss jim. but i know that being with him was very one-sided. now i live in the real world and try not to give my heart away so easily. to my pups buster and kit i am true. dogs are better than people most of the time.

yankee candle that goes best with ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife: pittsburgh irony*

*pittsburgh irony courtesy of justice nickels who has now been nominated to the texas supreme court. i suspect his nomination may not go through, though, as he has a problem with executing the mentally retarded.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE

sometimes we fall out of step with friends. sometimes we find that path together again - sometimes not. sometimes people would rather just keep on drinking the kool-aid...

but some friends are true and true and let me tell you about my girl hellena bentskaya. hellena was my soul mate ten years ago when i ate some *cough* mushrooms at a going away party. she held my hand and told me that yes, the pink elephants really were dancing across the sky and proceeded to astound me with her wit, style and intelligence. now we are both older and wiser and she lives faraway, so close. i will make a pilgrimage to see her in april and remind her of her greatness.

yankee candle that goes best with unpleasant realizations followed by comforting thoughts: you blight up my life

THE PERKILATOR SAYS BITE ME

you know how famous i am for being an all-around good cheer kind of perky perkster. i have even been nicknamed 'the perkilator' by some funny little friends of mine. you know, like 'the terminator' but for perkiness. or maybe they meant like coffee because i am the best thing in the morning! but today i am sad my fellow internerds. today is a bad bad day! today puddinbun flew the friendly skies back to his hometown of springfield, kentucky (you know - where the simpsons live!! homer, marge, bart and jessica). anyways- i am feeling a little blue due to his absence. the perkilator is not meant to be alone!! the perkilator is bereft.

yankee candle that goes best with utter despair: aloe by myself

THE KILLER AWOKE...

and stepped outside into the cool evening air. he watched the sky fade from pink to black and knew his time was nearing an end. the barbarians were at the gate. we've all suffered much, he thought. the prejudice, the pain, the lack of understanding, the bad news that travels over the airwaves each and every night telling stories of treachery far worse than even he could imagine. the killer contemplates margarita drobiazko, the lithuanian ice dancer who has just fallen in competition, taking her partner down with her. the killer laughs. he does not need to be out there spreading his disease. the world will do it for him.

yankee candle that goes best with death and destruction: amaranthageddon

I FOUND MYSELF IN CROWDED ROOMS

i see you on the street and you walk on by. you make me wanna hang my head down and cry. if you gave me half a chance you'd see my desire burning inside of me, but you choose to look the other way. i'm so tired of broken hearts and losing at this game. before i start this dance, i take a chance in telling you i want more than just romance.

yet something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me. when you hold me in your arms you love me till i just can't see. and life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. i hear you call my name and it feels like home.

yankee candle that goes best with plagiarism: virgin aspersion

TGIF, BITCHES!

yesterday oprah told us all to stop calling each other 'bitches' and 'hos'. at least i think it was oprah. and while i agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly i would like to know what i'm supposed to call people now who fall under those classifications? someone help me out here, please. it's 5.30 and i'm working late. i don't remember what week this is but it's some blog anniversary. three weeks. an eternity. the number three - past, present and future. well yes i am. happy anniversary to me, dammit! janet! someone's a slut.

yankee candle that goes best with misanthropy: soylent green tea*

*soylent green tea provided to you by justice nickels of the 3rd circuit court of appeals in bastrop county, tx.

BRING ON THE NEW MESSIAH WHEREVER HE MAY ROAM

i'm awfully pleased to still be living and that this thing called living allows me to reflect back on that time in my life known as the '80s'. The '80s' were a magical decade filled with good times that included things like 'acid', 'mushrooms' and the dawn of the era known as 'grishams'. john grisham's first book 'a time to kill' came out in 1989 thus ending a decade marked by albums such as 'flaunt it' by sigue sigue sputnik and 'lullabies that help the brain grow' by the big boys. these were heady heady days. and now? not so much. john grisham still writes but not with the fervor of a white man touched by racism in the south and as for sigue sigue - the hair is still pink but nobody cares. big boys? biscuit's no longer here. real life happened but now we're all made of stars.

yankee candle that goes best with nostalgia: pictures of yew

I WAS A SUNNY RAINPHASE

two and a half days ago martin from stereolab was telling me about his favorite yankee candles, 'eye of the volcano' and 'john cage bubblegum' and how they inspired him so much he decided to write songs about them. he really feels that yankee candles make an important contribution to society and it is one that sees no color, gender, or sexual orientation. it is one that hears no music prejudice - it loves kelly clarkson, it loves frank sinatra, it loves ulrich schnauss. the candle that is yankee loves books, loves films, loves 'harold and kumar go to white castle'. the candle that is yankee loves you.

yankee candle that goes best with indie cred: dinosaur juniper

IT TAKES A VILLAGE, PEOPLE!

omigod. sorry god. but omigod. i am watching my most favorite competition in the olympics - the men's figure skating short program (better than the freeskate because i have some attention deficit issues) and they did a profile on johnny weir, the flamboyantly fabulous skater from the united states. johnny is JUST LIKE ME and says what he thinks. i admire him quite a lot for this. i mean, i didn't think he could get any better and then what to my wandering eye should appear but a yankee candle car freshener on his mirror rear.

the joy is spreading!!! like butter, i tell ya.

yankee candle that goes best with princessy men: willowy wildfire

HAPPY VD

an oldie but a goodie, to be sure. vd. ::snort:: but vd is no laughing matter, folks, so protect yourselves this valentine's day! be safe! and as we all know the only true way to be safe is to abstain. i would like to take a moment to reflect upon abstinence and what it has meant to my life on this day where we celebrate love and all that it encompasses. abstinence taught me how to be a better person. that may sound strange but oh it is true! before i took my vow i was a rotten insane person who hated the world! and now... i am a cheerful loving person who hates the world!! i think we can all learn something from this...

yankee candle that goes best with useless holidays: pointless posy

FREEDOM'S ON THE MARCH

all we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow... tonight i find myself 'released on my own recognizance' as it has been deemed by judge kandimir mussolini that i am not a 'flight risk'. this news is a relief, i must admit. my cellmate last night, condoleeza, kept talking about her husband george and she just would not shut up! i finally had to pop her one and now she has a gap. sigh. i hear the words 'civil suit' in my future. i must away to call my lawyer, artie van treatise. he's a genius when it comes to the flaw.

yankee candle that goes best with punitive damages: just desserts

YOU GET ONE PHONE CALL

never try to sell crack or yankee candles to police officers. i tell you what, they do not react well! i don't know what their problem was, i mean i am just trying to make a buck. valentine's day is coming up. puddinbun has needs. what's a girl to do? so here i sit in my little cell waiting for my arraignment. this is a large word. 'arraignment'. but i have watched lots of law and order episodes. i have had a years long crush on sam waterston. i know my legal beagle. cooler heads will prevail...

yankee candle that goes best with incarceration: stint julep

SHHHH...

i'm hiding today. stealth. that's why no pictures. i'm in a secret location somewhere in central texas. i've spent my day looking at wedding dresses. no, i'm not getting married but one must always be prepared. i mean, xavier could pop the question tomorrow and i don't want to be caught unawares. yes, i know we've only been together less than a week. yes, i understand that's not enough time to know one another but maybe you don't understand the connection we have. it is rich. it is deep. it is the essence of the 'comforts of home' yankee candle.

trust me. i know what i am doing.

THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS IS CRYING NOW...

has it been two weeks? three? i just don't know anymore. the time passes like water down the toilet. but it's tgif, little buddies. it's 5 pm! it's a time where we can rejoice!!! shrug off the oppression of another week of work and kick off our sandals to revel in some new kids on the block. some bell biv devoe. some that girl is poison. oh my! that's two times in two days i've said the word 'poison'. what does it all mean?! is it random or is there reason?

oh - and by the by, dear readers, i watched a special this week on the making of yankee candles and let me tell you what - that is some exciting stuff!! simply thrilling!!! the yankee candle flagship is like disneyland for candle afficionados so you can bet that i will be having my honeymoon there! that is, if anyone will ever marry me!

yankee candle that goes best with potential nuptials:
honeymelon honeymoon

HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING

so here i am in my 'office'. another day, another noon, another feeling of dread and doom... cornelia crestwood who resides in a cubicle on my floor talks about small town living and how great that sounds. i'm starting to understand her. who cares if they're a little more narrow minded and have loads of bush signs in their yards? i like busch beer! who doesn't!! it's just sometimes, even though i feel the breeze of a thousand winds, i wonder if there isn't more to this thing called life. i wish you could see the pensive look that's renting space on my face right now. it's quite deep.

on a lighter note, xavy bought me the sweetest yankee candle yesterday. periwinkle poison, it's called. i hope he isn't trying to tell me something. something besides 'YOU'RE GREAT!', i mean.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

it would be fun to spend today kvetching about this biyaatch they call the deuce or something. apparently she's some boozer who likes to exploit her kid by bitching about what a pain she is but then writing seemingly heartfelt letters to her... that the whole world can read. she said something recently about how she hoped that her daughter would look to her and always be able to gain strength or some such junk. uhh... is that before or after the kid gets out of rehab because the trauma of reading your shite has driven her to the bottle? i can't wait to have children so i can pimp them out for attention.

yankee candle that goes best with self-absorbed hos: volcanic vanity

THIS JAIL THAT IS MY PRISON THAT IS MY CELL

today while sitting at my desk i was daydreaming about my new boyfriend. you know, the quickie mart guy who responded so well to 'olive ingenue'... his name is xavier shonan chenaur and he is of french zombie descent. he is quite special, xavier or xavy for short, or puddinbun, or sweetieslippypup, but whatever... my point here is that even xavy could not save me (haw haw!) from the jail that is my work. the prison i live in (titter) has just become too much to bear! between the plant thieves, hippies and veterinarians it is hard to get anything done. and that is not... a good thing. i have a big project due soon. the ceo is looking for a new presentation that details the rise and fall of 1200 bands in 5 days.

whatever shall i do? there is no yankee candle to save me now. not even 'iridescent iris inspiration'. not even xavier puddinbun. not even god.

LET'S BE FRIENDS... NO? OK.

8 minutes til elias arrives and i have to go pick him up at the airport and tell him about the guy at the quickie mart. he may be crushed but it's better this way. we were never meant to be. i mean, his last name is gehtoolsbottom. i could never be mrs gehtoolsbottom. never. there are limits in this life and that is one of them. perhaps that makes me sound shallow. that is fine. i am a kiddie pool in the ocean of life. yes i am.

yankee candle that goes best with a breakup: rosy rejection

NOW THAT BUSTER AND KIT HAVE GONE...

into the strange wide world that is called 'archives' i thought i would share with you my cat, paco. paco is a very friendly kitty and all the boys and girls at my church just love him! sometimes he even gives the sermon when reverend macy (james, not william h) isn't feeling well (read: hungover). paco talks about loving your neighbor and preaches acceptance not tolerance. TOLERANCE IS A DIRTY BIRD, sayeth paco.

yankee candle that goes best with acceptance: aromatic assent

TAKE IT...

it might seem easy to come up with witty things to say and it might seem easy that i share my yankee candle affection with all of you... all 20 of you... but sometimes i really do wonder about the 'larger picture' and what it means to share my breakfast choices with the world (heartland granola - again!) however, it is the 'essence of truth' in my words that's important. this virtual memoir o' mine is more like a thousand little pieces. maybe 1, 236.

yankee candle that goes best with half-truth: lilies and lies

next up: grishams!

GUIDING US INTO THE NIGHT...

soo... here we are, dear friends, dear readers, dear me ONE WEEK LATER!! can you believe it's only been a week, why i feel like i've been here FOREVA! just, you, me and yankee candles make three. it has been a thrilling seven days, a week i will never ever forget! tonight i go home to tony shaloub and 'monk' and yes, he has still 'got something' and yes, it's another beautiful day and yes, this morning i DID switch it up and eat heartland granola for breakfast. maybe things will change a little. maybe the chairman has left the board. but we are here, locked together in these moments in time that gently tug us to our carefree destiny.

yankee candle that goes best with the possible onset of ennui: belladonna boredom

BASKETBALL IS JUST LIKE LIFE...

after ranting and rolling for a couple days my hormones have finally decided to return to 'stable' levels and give me a break. it reminds me of basketball and how i wish i was a 6'7" tall man running up and down the court and back again hoping for glory and just keeping hope alive. they say 'drop kick me jesus through the goal posts of life' but really, i think i would rather be carried for a touchdown nestled safely in our savior's arms. whenever i get down i am reminded that jesus is there for me. just like basketball.

yankee candle that goes best with a romantic evening with kobe bryant: just say nosegay

DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO...

i am starting to feel broody and insane like alice pieszecki but my dana is life. my dana is the state of this country. my dana is the democrats acting like the republican party's prison bitches. my dana is the blatant ignorance that people choose even after the poverty in new orleans was exposed, even after the president admits to eavesdropping without a warrant. if ignorance is bliss then we must all be in heaven. so why does it feel like hell?

yankee candle that goes best with hell: mephistopheles mint

PIRATES OF THE OHIO RIVER VALLEY

earlier this evening i was sailing on the seven seas when i met marciano rothchild, an english-italian pirate who had been living in kosovo. he told me how to break my own heart and then, in demonstration, removed his and smashed it with a hammer. two children passing by saw this bleeding beating and skipped on down the street. sometimes life is strange in the ohio river valley. peculiar twists unravel into the mundane and mundane ideas become stolen for treasure.

I NEED AN EMERGENCY EXIT FOR THIS LIFE...

some days are not very good and no amount of yankee candles can clear away the clouds from the sky. on days like this i like to take my yankee candles and smash them against the wall in my bedroom. then, in the midst of my drowning tears, i put them all back together again and in the process make new scents. 'accents of iris with a hint of patchouli lemongrass' is my absolute favorite, but really...

yankee candle that goes best with despair: daisy depression