WHAT IS A HOLLABACK GIRL, ANYWAY?

and do i care? i mean, i hate gwen stefani so i really shouldn't but for some reason it's 4 am and the thought just crossed my mind.

this is what happens when you eat jello pudding pops. bill cosby didn't warn us about these kinds of consequences!

i almost said 'didn't warn us about this shit...' 'shiznit?' but that is something else i hate - whenever anyone who is not black uses hip hop slang. in fact, i am not even sure i'm so fond of black people using hip hop slang.

whatever happened to the english language, people??!!! and spelling. oh, don't get me started on the lack of skillz i see in the young people today. it makes me want to barf.

CORA SLEEPS

and the world feels peaceful. who knew that getting a dog would make life better? oh you did, you say? well, then...

so the world inside these walls is a nicer place today but what about the world outside? a ridiculous war still wages and america two-steps ever closer to a theocracy. some even rumble about a fascist state.

vote democratic, live in a democracy! you heard it here first. now to get those bumper stickers made...

MY ROBOTS DON'T KILL PEOPLE

'you are living proof that it's better to be lucky than smart.'

i wish people would call me 'spoon.' maybe i will change my name to princess spoon. from the kingdom of fork you. knife night.

i'm not hungry anymore but i'm busy and sometimes crazy and occasionally bummed that it's not november and i am too shy to hope for some passing genius in the midterm elections.

i'm preparing for my new job - teaching empathy to special needs kids. it's going to be tough. makes me long for the pandas.

still no word from the yankee candle people. my desire for a true ambassadorship remains keen but the fact that they continue to ignore this blog does gall me a bit. oh yes. it galls my bladder.

RIDE THE WAVE, DOGGIE

i am with dog and i would like to say that explains my absence but really i'm just a lazy git and she is as pure as the cold driven snow.

i'm watching miss congeniality 2 for the 10th time and making sure cora behaves herself not that this is hard because she doesn't actually do anything. since she came home with us she has slept, slept, slept and slept. fascinating. welcome to mommyhood!

life is a neverending series of delights and sandra bullock IS your friend!

yankee candle that goes best with bad movies and cute beagos: canine's gate

BUFFALO WINGS AND FROG LEGS

i'm eating vegetarian buffalo wings and waiting for sharon stone to spout a bunch of wacky nonsense on the daily show. she's so perky, that shazza. i don't know how she does it being so old and all. i didn't know people as old as her did nookie type things but apparently so seeing as there's some piece of poo out there called 'basic instinct 2.' my basic instinct is to stay home and spare myself. i've seen the goods and they weren't actually that good.

but i will watch it when it comes to hbo. i'm that weak.

yankee candle that goes best with wearing no underpants:
snickers sans knickers

THERE WERE LIGHTS. AND I TRIPPED THEM. FANTASTIC!

i have returned home, dear readers! aren't you excited!

i spent a week in cali-forn-i-a or californication (although i don't like the rhcp anymore) or hell. oh the stores, the bores, the chores! some friends threw me what is called a 'bridal shower' although i don't really understand that term because there was no showering involved. at least not to my knowledge.

oh - you say 'bridal shower???' yes, i know it comes as some surprise but puddinbun and i are actually getting hitched. yes, he popped the 'question.' he said, 'sweetietums' (because i am like candy AND antacid) 'i love you. will you do me the honor of becoming my ball and chain?' and well.. who could say no to that! certainly not me!

so anyways... the shower was grand and i got the requisite victoria's secret gift card which i shall spend on something other than lingerie because the thought of putting on anything with lace gives me a rash.

time to whip out your 'goin' to the chapel' yankee candles and light one in honor of yours truly!

I LOVE LA

but i hate randy newman.

IF BY CHANCE YOU HEARD IT FOR YOURSELF

so tomorrow i make my pilgrimmage to the city of angels to worship at the feet of the almighty silicone implant, the fearsome botox king, the collagen queen. my stout figure will wend its way through the streets that shun a size 12, mock yankee candles, and turn a blind eye to those who do not represent the utmost in laid back cool that can only be purchased for $$$$ on robertson blvd. the upper echelon understand that beverly hills is gauche, darling, and lisa kline is where it's at!

i quote my pal jez williams when i say, 'words they mean nothing so you can't stop me.'

yankee candle that goes best with a week's vacation: shores of tripoli

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF?

my friend elektra wants me to fall in love with mark kozelek but i just can't. i do, however, love this red house painters song. i'm also fond of his cars cover. better than the original, if you ask me, but you didn't.

what if death and taxes were NOT certainties in life? then what would we have? utter chaos, i suspect. do you really think vampires are happy? i would rather time travel than live forever.

what about you?

yankee candle that goes best with eternity: infinite windflower

I DON'T LIKE GIRLS WITH BIG BOOBS

now this might sound strange but i'm watching this new 'sitcom' called 'teachers' and it's not very 'funny' and this was a 'line' from the last 'scene'.

i would ruminate on things not well made but this is neither the time nor the place because what i'm really here to discuss with you tonight is this great new discovery i made today. it's called a pizza muffin passionate burrito and it is available at your local taco bell or del taco or enchilada express or starbucks.

also there's this new internet technology that makes it possible to sell your house online so i have to get on that.

yankee candle that goes best with law and order svu: ludacris lilies

PAMPERS AND TEARS

he doesn't like family court. it smells of hatred and tug of war. the ropes are frayed and they're swinging but no one's winning.

how could you use a robbie williams reference to discuss difficult child custody battles, he asked me angrily. but robbie is life, i told him. take that, i whispered.

puddinbun's video game sways softly in the other room. i was outside taking pictures of the inside of my head.

yankee candle that goes best with fractured moments: goldilocks and the thread bears

WHERE YOU GOIN' WITH THAT UB40 IN YOUR HAND?

i've failed you all. i've failed myself. i was so good and disciplined and now i have sunk into the abyss of unemployment, animal crossing and the l word. however, hark the herald lesbians sing as the final installment of season 3 aired last night and now i am finally free of bette, tina, kit and horrible jenny for another 9 mos. life is good. now i can concentrate on what REALLY matters... and that is... turnips. turnip prices are down today but boy howdy, i am hoping...

yankee candle that goes best with vegetation obsession: it seems to me that you live your life like a cropshare in the wind.

CONFUCIUS SAY CONFUSION GOOD!

i've had close personal friends tell me they are perplexed by my little blog here. they wonder how it is i make it from christmas island to reykjavik, iceland every sunday for church. they wonder if i'm real.

sometimes it is good to wonder.

YOU'RE BACK, BACK FOR MORE...

it's all over... for this slightly known soldier. oh mixing the doors and ratt and bastardizing jim morrison. good times. so my stay in austin is nearly done and it's back to the wilds of christmas island for me! back to my home where the bunnies rule with an iron fist and voting for shrubbery is not allowed. we may be a dictatorship but who knew there would come a day where you would have to enforce a liberal society? where you would have to force people to be free thinkers. but as they said in team america, 'freedom isn't free.' but i say - at least it's freedom even if it costs you yours. it's a paradox wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a twinkie. and you know what they say about twinkies... yummm...

AM A LIVING THING

possibly. still alive...

puddinbun is being a pain in the booty today.

HIGH NOON APPROACHES

everyday, it's a gettin' closer,
going faster than a
roller coaster,
love like yours will surely come my way.

everyday, it's a gettin' faster,
everyone says go ahead and
ask her,
love like yours will surely come my way

DON'T FORGET ME WHEN I'M GONE

my heart would break... ahhh... good old glass tiger. so, my friends, romans and countrymen, i shall be off fighting the culture war for the next 10 days and may not be able to write too many reports from the field. i shall try because i think it is 'important' for you to know what's going on out there! but as 1500 bands descend upon me i fear that in the trenches may not be the greatest place to pontificate about my favorite things in the world: puddinbun and yankee candles.

and on that note...

yankee candle that goes best with music for the masses: sympathy for the devil

YOU EVEN CHARMED THE MURDERERS

the book is burned. the baby's on the stove but not in the oven. i just heard that henry rollins is the host of the henry rollins show. i don't understand why. i think merv griffin should host the henry rollins show. it would probably be better. not that i've ever seen it. i'm only guessing. i'm sad that the gay man who loved the bears got eaten by them. this is not how life is supposed to be! the bears are supposed to love you back and love you forever.

i feel queasy but i must talk to hundreds of people next week. makes perfect sense.

yankee candle that goes best with human avoidance:

WORLDS WITHOUT END

sometimes i wonder about the decisions i make... take today for example: i'm running about on the way to my hair appointment when i get a real hankerin' for one of those caramel coffee blended whatseewhosits they got these days. well, i had to drive a bit out of the way to obtain one of these tasty caffeinated treats, though it was well worth it. but something was eating away at me about my actions... caramel and whip cream destroying my stomach lining? no, this was far more real a threat. there were many blended drink choices that awaited me at the coffee shop. what if i had chosen vanilla - or hell, even white chocolate mocha? how different the journey of my day would have become. quite so! and then i got to thinking about all those possibilities... beyond just my drink choice. man, the list was growing: that red light i totally blew through, eggs and bacon instead of oatmeal, nodding to my retiree neighbor this morning when i usually wave. where would and who would i be this moment had i just done things a little differently? and this is where things turn really serious inside my noggin... how many of me are out there? a different ME for every tiny split second decision, action or inaction, skim or 2% milk. yeah, i know, alternate universes!! alternate ME'S!!! its tough taking it all in at once, i've had the two previous hours to deal with this while i wait for my laundry and i'm still struggling. i'm sure there are a lot of you out there thinking, man - the possibilities! you're thinking "hey waiter, this life sucks, bring me another" and you could just reach out and peruse your closest alternate universe and find an alternate you with everything going for him. sure sounds easy to me, but hey, every ray of light has a dark tunnel at its backside. so i'm thinking, damn, i bet there are some mean ME'S out there... 'cos i've had a bad thought or two in my day. well, what if one of those evil dudes thought up this whole scenario before me? and he's out there, working together with other baddie-type me's like the ultimate villain team up, waiting to drop a dead mouse in my frosted flakes... or worse?! what do i do though - not make a decision again? give up blended coffee drinks? set mouse traps in my lazy susan? there's no solution. even inaction in itself is a decision made and doesn't keep you or me from our responsibilities to the infinite creation of alternate us's.

i hurt my brain real hard for you dear readers... and i leave the answers, if there are any, to you. i'm just an ass like that.

GAH!

oops. well - it is still sort of monday night. isn't it? rebecca gayheart is pretending to be normal on 'medium' and it's late and i still haven't read my chapter for the day in the sequel to 'the devil wears prada.' it's called 'and god wears tom ford.' quite a read! i think she's working on a trilogy and the final instalment is 'mohammed wears marc jacobs.' either that or 'buddha wears tommy hilfiger.' but possibly not because buddha is asian and they say that tommy believes asians shouldn't wear his clothes because they don't look good in them. i've heard that is an 'urban legend' but i really want to believe it because i enjoy boycotting ugly clothes.

i don't know how that writer does it, coming up with clever pairings of religious icons and fashion designers. she is super talented!

yankee candle that goes best with a missed day of blogging: miss you mulch yeah i really miss you mulch

I LOVE A PARADE

once again hollywood proved how deep it is by voting into the annals of best picture history a small film called 'crash'. from what i understand the movie weaves a rich tapestry of many important themes that influence our culture today. the result of this will be furthering the careers of three actors whose stars were about to fall right out of the sky. so breathe a sigh of relief sandra bullock, ryan phillipe and matt dillon. this should also help ludacris... but speaking of rp... his wife reese witherspoon won for best actress and this means a GREAT night for the cutest family in tinseltown! does this mean they might actually make legally blonde 3?!! one can only hope!

and a huge f. you to abc and the producers of the show for cutting off in mid-speech both of crash's award winners. you. suck. i hope if you ever win an emmy for anything they let you speak for two seconds and then cue some shitty music.

but of course the best part of the evening was when - well it wasn't the best part because when that south african guy won - and when it's hard out there for a pimp won - those were the best parts - but- uh - hurrah for ang lee! go asians!

yankee candle that goes with that fake happy face the nominees have to make when they don't win: they don't call us actors for nut 'n honey.

and ps. best after show moment: when serena williams, being interviewed on e!, said she was glad phillip semen hoffmor won for best actor.

me, too, serena. me, too.

OK GOD LEMME HAVE IT!

remember that scene in 'real genius' when kent thinks god is speaking to him and goes to his professor's house and gets exposed to a laser from space and ends up in floating out onto the street on a wave of popcorn? wha? no, really? i'm the only person? you guys are miss. ing. out.

so yeah. my head is full of business and my bod is not made of sin. i am just.

yankee candle that goes best with being distincly uninteresting on a saturday night: milk and toast

FIVE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

it's lunchtime here in the central standard time zone. what? you say 2.22 seems a bit late for the midday morsel? perhaps you would be right but some of us have exciting work to do. work that involves telling major media outlets to go suck it. suck what? an elbow. a turntable. exhaust. i just don't know anymore! it's all so crazy when you think about how i've been here entertaining myself for five weeks now and i am not sure i'm a better person. and i am definitely not sure if you are. but were any of us bad to begin with?

the tlt calls, the spacebar is broken, and i almost got myself arrested this morning.

(i ain't gonna go blind for the light that is reflected)

yankee candle that goes best with pop tarts: strawberry fudgepack

LONELY TEARDROPS, MY PILLOWS NEVER DRY OF

yes, there was a day not too long ago that i shed tears. how many centuries has it been? there is little that i remember now before the creation of this known world. i knew life before that great event too... there's some trace of the being i was then, of Galan. how many of us are there that claim to be the last of a "great civilization" or the sole survivor of a "distant, doomed planet"? far too many for humanity to be concerned with i'm sure. and there it is, again, this troublesome worry of mine revealing itself in the manner which i speak about you humans. perhaps i've been so determined to consume Earth in hopes that your collective humanity will save me from the lack of mine. i think it must be in the attempt at recounting what my life has been, in that endless maze of memories, distinguishing what is true and what was just hope, that i find myself trapped and that the one thing i cannot devour is a deep rooted despair.

WOLONG? WOO YEAH!

so... ignore my random ennui from yesterday because today is a HAPPY day!! i got a new job working at the wolong panda place somewhere in china. its location is a BIG GOVERNMENT SECRET! no one can know where we are because pandas are 'rare' and 'delicious' creatures. anyways - here is a pic of me in my new office! it is my job to babysit and re-enact fairy tales through mime. during the day i am charged with the task of teaching them to read and it ain't easy, lemme tellya! but it is rewarding and the progress they've made is incredible. just seeing ping pong read a passage from 'thus spake zarathrustra' makes everything in life worthwhile!

yankee candle that goes best with panda love: yin and ylang ylang

SHUT HAPPENS

people make me tired.

MIDNIGHT APPROACHES...

gotta get my post on. but, fellow truthy truthsters, someone else is occupying my time lately. his name is booker and he is the checkpoint guard to bunville. he is an integral part of my life as are pango, eloise, wart jr, jeremiah, roald and... and... i just have so many new friends! and they are 'REAL'! so... you understand, don't you, how i might not have as much time for you guys now? i have to fish and pay a mortgage and catch bugs and water flowers. I AM BUSY! sigh...

yankee candle that goes best with fishpuns: carpet diem

SOME DAYS ARE QUIETER THAN OTHERS...

DENNIS MILLER ISN'T FUNNY ANYMORE

so let me be the 1,000,000th person to use this funny little kitty and his po'ed buddy as a photo on a blog. but my blog is MEANINGFUL. therefore the kitty is 'OKAY.' you know, i have to confess, it really angers me that i have to put the period inside the quotes. i'm dying to put it on the outside where it can feel meaningful and honest. shall we talk about honesty? no? ok. perhaps you'd like a puddinbun update. tonight p-bun is at what is known in america as a 'chili cook-off'. (damnit- i am putting that period WHEREVER I WANT YOU HEAR ME?!) this is where people cook chili and then others eat it and decide if it is good or not. he has been gone a long time so there must be a lot of chili at this place. and me? i'm just sitting here watching dennis miller out-obscure himself and chris rock talk about how strippers 'have to do it'. ho... hummm... bill maher, anyone?

yankee candle that goes best with yet another weekend: smoke machines and laser rays

THIS FIRST TURN IS GONNA TELL THE WHOLE STORY

blah blah blah something pithy... etc etc - insert sad comment about lance armstrong and sheryl crow break up here. nevermind that it's old news. yeah yeah. mmhmm - those figure skaters sure pick some crappy music, why do they do it? they all have ipods - they must be listening to something and surely it can't be this junk. tears falling - olympics almost over. can't wait to get life back. oh wait... meant to be perky yankee candleist. better than yankee atheist? i don't know... facade slipping... too late for buster and kit... third week anniversary... bon anniversaire a moi.

yankee candle that goes best with rambling psychosis: insane in the mandrake

ICE IS NICE!

oh how right val kilmer was... tonight shizuka arakawa made skating history as japan's first ladies champion. and she did it in an ugly dress! what is with these outfits, anyways? i should have complained about it after the men's free skate but now that i've seen the entire thing... whoo... my favorite part is the flesh colored nylon they use to indicate 'skin'. i saw a lot of that this year. i blame paris hilton, that bitch. all the boys and girls want to be her and no one really wants to do her cuz she been done to do death. oh i did not just say that! i didn't! it's late, honeys. i must away before i let slip anything else i will someday regret.

yankee candle that goes best with slander: prickly despair

ONE IQ POINT AWAY FROM LIFE AND TRUTH

we listened to disco and made up dances to perform for our parents. we listened to rush and yes and pretended to be intelligent. mother wouldn't let us listen to kiss. no satan in our household, no way! satan might exist, i think, but he is definitely not masquerading as kiss. at 15 i found jim morrison and pretended he was my boyfriend. i made 'lizard king' yankee candle labels with a hand drawn gecko on them and pasted them on various scents. sometimes i miss 15, miss jim. but i know that being with him was very one-sided. now i live in the real world and try not to give my heart away so easily. to my pups buster and kit i am true. dogs are better than people most of the time.

yankee candle that goes best with ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife: pittsburgh irony*

*pittsburgh irony courtesy of justice nickels who has now been nominated to the texas supreme court. i suspect his nomination may not go through, though, as he has a problem with executing the mentally retarded.

YOU THINK YOU KNOW SOMEONE

sometimes we fall out of step with friends. sometimes we find that path together again - sometimes not. sometimes people would rather just keep on drinking the kool-aid...

but some friends are true and true and let me tell you about my girl hellena bentskaya. hellena was my soul mate ten years ago when i ate some *cough* mushrooms at a going away party. she held my hand and told me that yes, the pink elephants really were dancing across the sky and proceeded to astound me with her wit, style and intelligence. now we are both older and wiser and she lives faraway, so close. i will make a pilgrimage to see her in april and remind her of her greatness.

yankee candle that goes best with unpleasant realizations followed by comforting thoughts: you blight up my life

THE PERKILATOR SAYS BITE ME

you know how famous i am for being an all-around good cheer kind of perky perkster. i have even been nicknamed 'the perkilator' by some funny little friends of mine. you know, like 'the terminator' but for perkiness. or maybe they meant like coffee because i am the best thing in the morning! but today i am sad my fellow internerds. today is a bad bad day! today puddinbun flew the friendly skies back to his hometown of springfield, kentucky (you know - where the simpsons live!! homer, marge, bart and jessica). anyways- i am feeling a little blue due to his absence. the perkilator is not meant to be alone!! the perkilator is bereft.

yankee candle that goes best with utter despair: aloe by myself

THE KILLER AWOKE...

and stepped outside into the cool evening air. he watched the sky fade from pink to black and knew his time was nearing an end. the barbarians were at the gate. we've all suffered much, he thought. the prejudice, the pain, the lack of understanding, the bad news that travels over the airwaves each and every night telling stories of treachery far worse than even he could imagine. the killer contemplates margarita drobiazko, the lithuanian ice dancer who has just fallen in competition, taking her partner down with her. the killer laughs. he does not need to be out there spreading his disease. the world will do it for him.

yankee candle that goes best with death and destruction: amaranthageddon

I FOUND MYSELF IN CROWDED ROOMS

i see you on the street and you walk on by. you make me wanna hang my head down and cry. if you gave me half a chance you'd see my desire burning inside of me, but you choose to look the other way. i'm so tired of broken hearts and losing at this game. before i start this dance, i take a chance in telling you i want more than just romance.

yet something in your eyes is makin' such a fool of me. when you hold me in your arms you love me till i just can't see. and life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone. i hear you call my name and it feels like home.

yankee candle that goes best with plagiarism: virgin aspersion

TGIF, BITCHES!

yesterday oprah told us all to stop calling each other 'bitches' and 'hos'. at least i think it was oprah. and while i agree with this sentiment wholeheartedly i would like to know what i'm supposed to call people now who fall under those classifications? someone help me out here, please. it's 5.30 and i'm working late. i don't remember what week this is but it's some blog anniversary. three weeks. an eternity. the number three - past, present and future. well yes i am. happy anniversary to me, dammit! janet! someone's a slut.

yankee candle that goes best with misanthropy: soylent green tea*

*soylent green tea provided to you by justice nickels of the 3rd circuit court of appeals in bastrop county, tx.

BRING ON THE NEW MESSIAH WHEREVER HE MAY ROAM

i'm awfully pleased to still be living and that this thing called living allows me to reflect back on that time in my life known as the '80s'. The '80s' were a magical decade filled with good times that included things like 'acid', 'mushrooms' and the dawn of the era known as 'grishams'. john grisham's first book 'a time to kill' came out in 1989 thus ending a decade marked by albums such as 'flaunt it' by sigue sigue sputnik and 'lullabies that help the brain grow' by the big boys. these were heady heady days. and now? not so much. john grisham still writes but not with the fervor of a white man touched by racism in the south and as for sigue sigue - the hair is still pink but nobody cares. big boys? biscuit's no longer here. real life happened but now we're all made of stars.

yankee candle that goes best with nostalgia: pictures of yew

I WAS A SUNNY RAINPHASE

two and a half days ago martin from stereolab was telling me about his favorite yankee candles, 'eye of the volcano' and 'john cage bubblegum' and how they inspired him so much he decided to write songs about them. he really feels that yankee candles make an important contribution to society and it is one that sees no color, gender, or sexual orientation. it is one that hears no music prejudice - it loves kelly clarkson, it loves frank sinatra, it loves ulrich schnauss. the candle that is yankee loves books, loves films, loves 'harold and kumar go to white castle'. the candle that is yankee loves you.

yankee candle that goes best with indie cred: dinosaur juniper

IT TAKES A VILLAGE, PEOPLE!

omigod. sorry god. but omigod. i am watching my most favorite competition in the olympics - the men's figure skating short program (better than the freeskate because i have some attention deficit issues) and they did a profile on johnny weir, the flamboyantly fabulous skater from the united states. johnny is JUST LIKE ME and says what he thinks. i admire him quite a lot for this. i mean, i didn't think he could get any better and then what to my wandering eye should appear but a yankee candle car freshener on his mirror rear.

the joy is spreading!!! like butter, i tell ya.

yankee candle that goes best with princessy men: willowy wildfire

HAPPY VD

an oldie but a goodie, to be sure. vd. ::snort:: but vd is no laughing matter, folks, so protect yourselves this valentine's day! be safe! and as we all know the only true way to be safe is to abstain. i would like to take a moment to reflect upon abstinence and what it has meant to my life on this day where we celebrate love and all that it encompasses. abstinence taught me how to be a better person. that may sound strange but oh it is true! before i took my vow i was a rotten insane person who hated the world! and now... i am a cheerful loving person who hates the world!! i think we can all learn something from this...

yankee candle that goes best with useless holidays: pointless posy

FREEDOM'S ON THE MARCH

all we have to do now is take these lies and make them true somehow... tonight i find myself 'released on my own recognizance' as it has been deemed by judge kandimir mussolini that i am not a 'flight risk'. this news is a relief, i must admit. my cellmate last night, condoleeza, kept talking about her husband george and she just would not shut up! i finally had to pop her one and now she has a gap. sigh. i hear the words 'civil suit' in my future. i must away to call my lawyer, artie van treatise. he's a genius when it comes to the flaw.

yankee candle that goes best with punitive damages: just desserts

YOU GET ONE PHONE CALL

never try to sell crack or yankee candles to police officers. i tell you what, they do not react well! i don't know what their problem was, i mean i am just trying to make a buck. valentine's day is coming up. puddinbun has needs. what's a girl to do? so here i sit in my little cell waiting for my arraignment. this is a large word. 'arraignment'. but i have watched lots of law and order episodes. i have had a years long crush on sam waterston. i know my legal beagle. cooler heads will prevail...

yankee candle that goes best with incarceration: stint julep

SHHHH...

i'm hiding today. stealth. that's why no pictures. i'm in a secret location somewhere in central texas. i've spent my day looking at wedding dresses. no, i'm not getting married but one must always be prepared. i mean, xavier could pop the question tomorrow and i don't want to be caught unawares. yes, i know we've only been together less than a week. yes, i understand that's not enough time to know one another but maybe you don't understand the connection we have. it is rich. it is deep. it is the essence of the 'comforts of home' yankee candle.

trust me. i know what i am doing.

THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS IS CRYING NOW...

has it been two weeks? three? i just don't know anymore. the time passes like water down the toilet. but it's tgif, little buddies. it's 5 pm! it's a time where we can rejoice!!! shrug off the oppression of another week of work and kick off our sandals to revel in some new kids on the block. some bell biv devoe. some that girl is poison. oh my! that's two times in two days i've said the word 'poison'. what does it all mean?! is it random or is there reason?

oh - and by the by, dear readers, i watched a special this week on the making of yankee candles and let me tell you what - that is some exciting stuff!! simply thrilling!!! the yankee candle flagship is like disneyland for candle afficionados so you can bet that i will be having my honeymoon there! that is, if anyone will ever marry me!

yankee candle that goes best with potential nuptials:
honeymelon honeymoon

HOLD ON TO THAT FEELING

so here i am in my 'office'. another day, another noon, another feeling of dread and doom... cornelia crestwood who resides in a cubicle on my floor talks about small town living and how great that sounds. i'm starting to understand her. who cares if they're a little more narrow minded and have loads of bush signs in their yards? i like busch beer! who doesn't!! it's just sometimes, even though i feel the breeze of a thousand winds, i wonder if there isn't more to this thing called life. i wish you could see the pensive look that's renting space on my face right now. it's quite deep.

on a lighter note, xavy bought me the sweetest yankee candle yesterday. periwinkle poison, it's called. i hope he isn't trying to tell me something. something besides 'YOU'RE GREAT!', i mean.

LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR

it would be fun to spend today kvetching about this biyaatch they call the deuce or something. apparently she's some boozer who likes to exploit her kid by bitching about what a pain she is but then writing seemingly heartfelt letters to her... that the whole world can read. she said something recently about how she hoped that her daughter would look to her and always be able to gain strength or some such junk. uhh... is that before or after the kid gets out of rehab because the trauma of reading your shite has driven her to the bottle? i can't wait to have children so i can pimp them out for attention.

yankee candle that goes best with self-absorbed hos: volcanic vanity

THIS JAIL THAT IS MY PRISON THAT IS MY CELL

today while sitting at my desk i was daydreaming about my new boyfriend. you know, the quickie mart guy who responded so well to 'olive ingenue'... his name is xavier shonan chenaur and he is of french zombie descent. he is quite special, xavier or xavy for short, or puddinbun, or sweetieslippypup, but whatever... my point here is that even xavy could not save me (haw haw!) from the jail that is my work. the prison i live in (titter) has just become too much to bear! between the plant thieves, hippies and veterinarians it is hard to get anything done. and that is not... a good thing. i have a big project due soon. the ceo is looking for a new presentation that details the rise and fall of 1200 bands in 5 days.

whatever shall i do? there is no yankee candle to save me now. not even 'iridescent iris inspiration'. not even xavier puddinbun. not even god.

LET'S BE FRIENDS... NO? OK.

8 minutes til elias arrives and i have to go pick him up at the airport and tell him about the guy at the quickie mart. he may be crushed but it's better this way. we were never meant to be. i mean, his last name is gehtoolsbottom. i could never be mrs gehtoolsbottom. never. there are limits in this life and that is one of them. perhaps that makes me sound shallow. that is fine. i am a kiddie pool in the ocean of life. yes i am.

yankee candle that goes best with a breakup: rosy rejection

NOW THAT BUSTER AND KIT HAVE GONE...

into the strange wide world that is called 'archives' i thought i would share with you my cat, paco. paco is a very friendly kitty and all the boys and girls at my church just love him! sometimes he even gives the sermon when reverend macy (james, not william h) isn't feeling well (read: hungover). paco talks about loving your neighbor and preaches acceptance not tolerance. TOLERANCE IS A DIRTY BIRD, sayeth paco.

yankee candle that goes best with acceptance: aromatic assent