WHAT IS A HOLLABACK GIRL, ANYWAY?

and do i care? i mean, i hate gwen stefani so i really shouldn't but for some reason it's 4 am and the thought just crossed my mind.

this is what happens when you eat jello pudding pops. bill cosby didn't warn us about these kinds of consequences!

i almost said 'didn't warn us about this shit...' 'shiznit?' but that is something else i hate - whenever anyone who is not black uses hip hop slang. in fact, i am not even sure i'm so fond of black people using hip hop slang.

whatever happened to the english language, people??!!! and spelling. oh, don't get me started on the lack of skillz i see in the young people today. it makes me want to barf.

CORA SLEEPS

and the world feels peaceful. who knew that getting a dog would make life better? oh you did, you say? well, then...

so the world inside these walls is a nicer place today but what about the world outside? a ridiculous war still wages and america two-steps ever closer to a theocracy. some even rumble about a fascist state.

vote democratic, live in a democracy! you heard it here first. now to get those bumper stickers made...

MY ROBOTS DON'T KILL PEOPLE

'you are living proof that it's better to be lucky than smart.'

i wish people would call me 'spoon.' maybe i will change my name to princess spoon. from the kingdom of fork you. knife night.

i'm not hungry anymore but i'm busy and sometimes crazy and occasionally bummed that it's not november and i am too shy to hope for some passing genius in the midterm elections.

i'm preparing for my new job - teaching empathy to special needs kids. it's going to be tough. makes me long for the pandas.

still no word from the yankee candle people. my desire for a true ambassadorship remains keen but the fact that they continue to ignore this blog does gall me a bit. oh yes. it galls my bladder.

RIDE THE WAVE, DOGGIE

i am with dog and i would like to say that explains my absence but really i'm just a lazy git and she is as pure as the cold driven snow.

i'm watching miss congeniality 2 for the 10th time and making sure cora behaves herself not that this is hard because she doesn't actually do anything. since she came home with us she has slept, slept, slept and slept. fascinating. welcome to mommyhood!

life is a neverending series of delights and sandra bullock IS your friend!

yankee candle that goes best with bad movies and cute beagos: canine's gate

BUFFALO WINGS AND FROG LEGS

i'm eating vegetarian buffalo wings and waiting for sharon stone to spout a bunch of wacky nonsense on the daily show. she's so perky, that shazza. i don't know how she does it being so old and all. i didn't know people as old as her did nookie type things but apparently so seeing as there's some piece of poo out there called 'basic instinct 2.' my basic instinct is to stay home and spare myself. i've seen the goods and they weren't actually that good.

but i will watch it when it comes to hbo. i'm that weak.

yankee candle that goes best with wearing no underpants:
snickers sans knickers

THERE WERE LIGHTS. AND I TRIPPED THEM. FANTASTIC!

i have returned home, dear readers! aren't you excited!

i spent a week in cali-forn-i-a or californication (although i don't like the rhcp anymore) or hell. oh the stores, the bores, the chores! some friends threw me what is called a 'bridal shower' although i don't really understand that term because there was no showering involved. at least not to my knowledge.

oh - you say 'bridal shower???' yes, i know it comes as some surprise but puddinbun and i are actually getting hitched. yes, he popped the 'question.' he said, 'sweetietums' (because i am like candy AND antacid) 'i love you. will you do me the honor of becoming my ball and chain?' and well.. who could say no to that! certainly not me!

so anyways... the shower was grand and i got the requisite victoria's secret gift card which i shall spend on something other than lingerie because the thought of putting on anything with lace gives me a rash.

time to whip out your 'goin' to the chapel' yankee candles and light one in honor of yours truly!

I LOVE LA

but i hate randy newman.

IF BY CHANCE YOU HEARD IT FOR YOURSELF

so tomorrow i make my pilgrimmage to the city of angels to worship at the feet of the almighty silicone implant, the fearsome botox king, the collagen queen. my stout figure will wend its way through the streets that shun a size 12, mock yankee candles, and turn a blind eye to those who do not represent the utmost in laid back cool that can only be purchased for $$$$ on robertson blvd. the upper echelon understand that beverly hills is gauche, darling, and lisa kline is where it's at!

i quote my pal jez williams when i say, 'words they mean nothing so you can't stop me.'

yankee candle that goes best with a week's vacation: shores of tripoli